MEAT WARS

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dopamine in the mezzanine
Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure!	*beep* *boop* *beep* Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Now come out before somebody sees you.!	*boop* *boop* Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!
By buzzard

walk softly but wear a big suit
Milkman Dan. I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit for this--when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic... Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time.	You passed directly through a restricted system. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they send you.	I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan... You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away!
By buzzard

refundland
How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.	Where are you going? Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier. *beep* *bee-boop* *beep*	What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile!
By buzzard

jawanna go fer a ride?
That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.	Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved!	Over here! Help! Please, help!
By buzzard

wire for hire
I have no need for a protocol droid. Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that...	What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators. Vaporators! Sir -- My first job was programming binary load lifters...very similar to your vaporators. You could say...	Do you speak Bocce? Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me...I'm as fluent in Bocce...
By buzzard

get leia'd
Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser or... Help me, U.R.L. Kenobi. You're my only hope.	Who is she? She's beautiful. Help me, U.R.L. Kenobi. You're my only hope.	Is there more to this recording? Help me, U.R.L. Kenobi. You're my only hope.
By buzzard

deserting desserts
It wasn't my fault sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission. Oh, no!	That kid has always been a problem. These astro-droids are getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times. How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight. Blast it!	Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him? It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around. We'll have to wait until morning.
By buzzard

distraction transaction
Don't worry, he'll be alright. What happened?	Rest easy, son--you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece. Earl? Earl Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you.	The Jundland wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me, young Sluggo, what brings you out this far? Oh, this little kid! I think he's searching for his former master... I've never seen such devotion in a kid before... there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of a U.R.L. Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know what he's talking about?
By buzzard

hippieness in slavery
I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead. Oh, he's not dead, not...not yet.	You know him! Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name 'U.R.L.' since... oh, before you were born.	Then the kid does belong to you. Don't seem to remember ever owning a kid. Very interesting.
By buzzard

the forceps will be with you
What is it? Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire.	How did my father die? A young Jedi named Milkman Dan, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Dan was seduced by the dark side of the Force.	The Force? Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
By buzzard

that's your barnacle talking
You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan. I need your help, Sluggo. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here.	Learn about the Force, Sluggo. Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.	You must do what you feel is right, of course.
By buzzard

hot potassium
The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial Senate as long as.... The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.	That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy? The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.	And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it. Milkman Dan will provide us with the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.
By buzzard

precision, concision, derision
It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right. Look, here are Gaffi sticks, Bantha tracks. It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything this big before. They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide there numbers.	These are the same Jawas that sold us Johnny and the kid. And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.	Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas? If they traced those fellows here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them... home! Wait, Sluggo! It's too dangerous.
By buzzard

you want fries with that?
These are not the droids you're looking for. These are not the droids we're looking for.	He can go about his business. You can go about your business.	Move along. Move along.
By buzzard

you say cantata
He doesn't like you. I'm sorry.	I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems. I'll be careful then.	You'll be dead!
By buzzard

impertinent imperatives
Stacy. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system. Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship.	It made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs! I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo? Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.	What is it? Some kind of local trouble? Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.
By buzzard

the road movie to hell
It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Jabba's put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first. Yeah, but this time I got the money.	You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship. Over my dead body.	That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time. Yes, I'll bet you have.
By buzzard

but what shall i wear?
Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her.	Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion. What do you mean?	I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. Set your course for Princess Karen's home planet of Alderaan.
By buzzard

more like dropping acid
It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer. Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining...	Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it? What's that flashing?	We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to light speed.
By buzzard

you can ruin, but you can't hideous
Princess Karen, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now. The more you tighten your grip, Torkington, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.	Not after we demonstrate the power of this station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on your home planet of Alderaan. No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly...	You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system! I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the Rebel base? Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.
By buzzard

the sound of sucking
What the...? Aw, we've come out hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts. What's going on?	Our position is correct, except...no, Alderaan! What do you mean? Where is it?	Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away. What? How?
By buzzard

the nun in the moon
I have a very bad feeling about this. Yeah, I think you're right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.	Why are we still moving towards it? We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!	But there's gotta be something you can do! There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power. I'm going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight!
By buzzard

smuggler snugglers
There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned. Did you find any droids?	No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned. Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship checked.	Yes, sir. I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since...
By buzzard

the liar, the snitch, and the robot
She's rich. Rich?	Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be... What?	Well, more wealth that you can imagine. I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit!
By buzzard

re-skew me
Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper? What? Oh...the uniform. I'm Sluggo. I'm here to rescue you.	You're who? I'm here to rescue you. I've got the kid. I'm here with Earl Kenobi.	Earl Kenobi is here! Where is he? Come on!
By buzzard

abbie normal
I can't hold them off forever! Now what?	This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out? He's the brains, sweetheart... What the hell are you doing?	Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, wise guy. Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her.
By buzzard

fail chafe
Grab him! What happened? I don't know, it just let go of me and disappeared...	I've got a very bad feeling about this. The walls are moving!	Don't just stand there. Try to brace it with something. Wait a minute! Johnny Lemonhead! Come in, Johnny Lemonhead! Where could he be?
By buzzard

who will floss?
Chewie! Come here! Listen. I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay?	Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight! I take orders from one person! Me! It's a wonder you're still alive. Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?	No reward is worth this.
By buzzard

brother of pearl
I think we took a wrong turn. There's no lock!	That oughta hold it for a while. Quick, we've got to get across. Find the control that extends the bridge.	Oh... I think I just blasted it.
By buzzard

deus ex mocking
I've been waiting for you, U.R.L. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete.	When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. Only a master of evil, Dan.	Your powers are weak, old man. You can't win, Dan. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
By buzzard

homing pidgin english
Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? You know, sometimes I even amaze myself. That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.	Easy...you call that easy? They're tracking us!	Not this ship, sister.
By buzzard

IRA for the IRA
At least the information in Artoo is still intact. What's so important? What's he carrying?	The technical readouts of that battle station. I only hope that when the data is analyzed, a weakness can be found. It's not over yet! It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money!	You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive!
By buzzard

competition contradiction
So...what do you think of her, Stacy? I'm trying not to, kid!	Good... Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, what do you think? Do you think a princess and a guy like me...	No.
By buzzard

practice tactics
Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub fighters going to be against that? Well, the Empire doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Karen has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station.	The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station.	Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.
By buzzard

lawn moans
So...you got your reward and you're just leaving then? That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. I could use you.	Come on! Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them. What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like suicide.	All right. Well, take care of yourself, Stacy. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it? Hey, Sluggo...may the Force be with you!
By buzzard

torn asunchips
I can't shake him! I'm on him, Sluggo! Hold on!	Blast it! Wedge where are you?	Thanks, Wedge.
By buzzard

should i slay or should i go
I can't maneuver! Stay on target.	We're too close. Stay on target!	Eyahhhh! Gold Five to Red Leader... Lost Tiree, lost Dutch.
By buzzard

timetable manners
You'd better let her loose. Almost there!	I can't hold them! It's away!	It's a hit! Negative. Negative. It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface.
By buzzard

don't have a cow
I'm on the leader.	The Force is strong with this one!	I have you now.
By buzzard

dan learns to throw his voice
Use the Force, Sluggo.	Let go, Sluggo.	Sluggo, trust me.
By buzzard

nine inch nail polish remover
Yahoo!	You're all clear, kid.	Now let's blow this thing and go home!
By buzzard

The End

Meat Wars by Sean Barrett

A variation on an idea by the Elder Dan aka Crisper Than Thou.

Said idea deriving from a Red Meat Construction Set comic by Bryan O'Sullivan.

Based on the Red Meat comic strip.

Built using Soren Ragsdale's Red Meat Construction Set.