Article: 261571 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jswan@netcom.com (Jeff Swanson)
Subject: FTS: Standard Feline/Human Contract
Message-ID: <jswanDIy5pz.9DH@netcom.com>
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 06:51:35 GMT
Lines: 224
Sender: jswan@netcom12.netcom.com
Status: O
X-Status:
STANDARD
FELINE/HUMAN CONTRACT
(House)
I, <name of Cat(s)>, being of diminutive brain and
mental capacity, agree to waive my right to
personal representation, and allow my owner
(hereinafter referred to as MASTER) the sole power
of attorney over my affairs, and grant him the
express right to make this contract with himself on
my behalf.
1. CLAWS CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to refrain from deploying
or wielding my claws unnecessarily,
unless in pursuit of small game or prey,
and/or during such play, initiated by
myself or by MASTER, as might cause me to
get so carried away with excitement that
I just forget.
b. I agree to refrain from deploying or
wielding my claws on furniture, fabrics,
carpeting, and other such surfaces within
the house as might be damaged by use of
said claws, and agree to restrict
scratching and any and all other use
and/or deployment of claws to proper
scratching receptacles and implements, as
defined below:
i. Scratching Posts
c. In the event that I draw blood from
MASTER, I hereby agree to retire
forthwith and with all due haste under
the nearest bed and wait there until
MASTER has cooled down a little.
2. FOOD CLAUSE
a. I agree to eat whatever food I am given,
and to refrain from attempting to bury
such food in the same manner as I bury my
excreta (see Section 4 below).
b. I agree to patiently await feeding time
in the case that my bowl is empty.
i. When fed after any short period of
bowl emptiness, I agree to refrain
from promptly regurgitating my
hastily eaten food onto the carpet,
bathroom floor, hamper, or any other
place where I might happen to be
when the need to regurgitate may
arise.
c. I agree to refrain from eating cigarette
wrappers, CD plastic, the safety wrapper
from the mustard, and any and all other
forms of plastic or cellophane, rubber
bands, balloons, and any and all other
manmade items as I, in my limited mental
abilities, may mistake for food.
i. I also agree to refrain from licking
plastic trash bags, Barnes and Noble
shopping bags, or any other large
plastic open-ended flexible
container, or bubble wrap or tape or
any other form of plastic, adhesive
backed or non-adhesive backed, even
though for some weird reason I find
them irresistible.
3. VOCALIZATIONS CLAUSE
a. I agree to limit my vocalizations to such
accepted noises as shown below. In the
event that vocalizations are
inappropriate, or may cause MASTER to fly
into a murderous rage when MASTER is
seeking a state of absolute quiet, I
shall be allowed two (2) extra
vocalizations before I concede the point
to MASTER and thereupon cease and and all
subsequent vocalizations.
i. ACCEPTABLE VOCALIZATIONS
(1) Meow
(2) Mao
(3) Rowl
(4) See B. Kliban "Cat" book
attachment listed hereunder as
Exhibit A
b. I also agree to limit my vocalizations to
no more than 1.5 seconds in length, and
no more than approximately 30 decibels. I
also further agree to maintain at least 2
seconds between vocalizations. At no time
shall I engage in "carpet", "pattern" or
"saturation" meowing.
4. EVACUATIONS CLAUSE
a. I agree to limit my excretions to the
plateau of sand in the box in the
bathroom.
b. In the event the box in the bathroom
becomes full of excreta, I agree to wait
patiently until such time as it is
emptied, strained, or otherwise cleaned
and excreta has been removed, and NOT
take it upon myself to go to the bathroom
in any other place not specifically
designated for such activities. I also
may elect, at my option, to communicate
subtly to MASTER the state of said box
via note or polite muffled cough.
c. If my excretory efforts result in a
patina of fecal residue upon my anterior
regions, or if an ingested hair causes me
to trail a caboose upon my exiting said
box, I agree to refrain from attempting
to remove same by utilizing the nearest
available carpet or rug.
d. I shall not scratch excessively when
burying my excreta, and shall limit my
scratchings to a number and volume
absolutely necessary to cover at least
98% of the smell producing surfaces of my
feces and/or urine, and I shall not fall
into a trance and scratch for a half an
hour.
5. VISITORS CLAUSE
a. In the event of visitors, I hereby agree
to speak only when spoken to, and to
comport myself in a dignified and
extraordinarily loving manner, and shall
in all ways endeavor to behave in a
manner that reflects well upon myself and
upon MASTER.
b. At no time will I present my anus to any
visitor, human or non-human.
6. DISASTERS; ACTS OF GOD CLAUSE
a. In the event of earthquake, vacuum
cleaner, a new dog across the hall,
strange footsteps arriving, or the sudden
detonation of the smoke alarm, I agree to
retire forthwith and in a damned hurry
under the bed or way back in the closet
or in a drawer in the kitchen.
b. For ten or so minutes after the danger
has passed and I emerge, I hereby agree
to walk hunched down close to the ground
and leap straight up at any sudden noise,
normal or otherwise.
7. FUNNY TRICKS CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to sit patiently while
master pulls the corners of my eyes up
and says in a faux oriental voice, "You
think your Kung Fu is good? My Kung Fu is
BETTAH!"
b. I also hereby agree to skedaddle out of
the way whenever MASTER yells, "UhOH! MAN
WITH A NERVE DISEASE!" and begins
flailing his limbs spastically and
chasing me noisily around the house.
c. For and in consideration of the above, I
shall accept no less than two (2) kitty
treats on a regular basis, as full and
complete compensation for such
indignities.
8. UNEXPLAINED BEHAVIOR CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to come out from wherever
I happen to be sleeping at the time and
gravitate in a daze toward MASTER if
MASTER happens to begin playing the
harmonica. If my sibling cat is in the
area, I further agree to attempt to bite
my sibling cat about the face and neck,
or, if my sibling cat is not available,
to bite MASTER'S closest available
extremity or that of any of MASTER'S
friends.
b. I also hereby agree to bolt upright out
of a sound sleep, rush into the bathroom,
and eat a little food, whenever MASTER
arises from his chair at the computer to
go to the toilet.
c. I also hereby agree, at a time and place
of my own choosing, to stand near a wall
or mirror, gaze upward, and meow
continuously, unless such activity
conflicts with the tenets set forth in
Section 3 hereinabove.
I, <name of Cat(s)>, hereby freely and without
reservation allow MASTER to make and establish
these codicils and parameters of behavior on my
behalf, and agree to be bound by these codicils and
parameters of behavior that are set forth in the
contract hereinabove, until such time as I feel
like manifesting some new odd behavior, and in
consideration of the foregoing, Witness my paw
below:
__Katya, Nicky______________________
Name of Cat(s)
__Jeff Swanson______________________
Name of MASTER
__December 1st, 1995________________
Date
(seal)
*************************************************
--Jeff
***>jswan@netcom.com