From: "Kevin \"Cujo\" Fries" <firstname.lastname@example.org> Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: LSC Date: 2 Dec 1997 04:44:23 GMT Organization: Michael Bolton Must Die Inc. Lines: 37 Message-ID: <email@example.com> Reply-To: "Kevin \"Cujo\" Fries" <firstname.lastname@example.org> X-Newsreader: Microsoft Internet News 4.70.1161 I had come to the Earth originally only to study the dominant species. I, as orders commanded, attempted to bring myself in position to parley with them in the near future. In the meantime, simply study them in their most stressful situations. I insinuated myself as an orderly in their hospital system. This landed me in Philadelphia in the inner city. I merely observed with no intent to interfere in any interactions. This however put me at a disadvantage. I mimiced a "lower class" of person. Surprisingly, it was much easier than suspected. A few kind words, devoid of sincerity, at first a camoflage, but later discovered to be an accepted more, have landed me much further along than I had wished. I am now a Director of Information Systems. This while unplanned, allows me to introduce undreamed of situations that my replacements would only have dreamed of. As a fully trained Xenologist, I was content to merely observe, now I could introduce other tests that would not normally occur in this society. I shamefully proceeded to do just that. At first, it began merely by inducing irregularities into their systems of belief. It later progressed to actively interfering with systems that had worked quite well, and would continue to work for some time. At least, they did until my interference and sabotage, this convinced them that there was no choice but to redesign their systems to a more workable model. I stressed the need to listen to others opinions, no matter how radical. I urged them to look in the most unusual of places and deem no idea outlandish. This, their bleatings notwithstanding, progressed to this end, albeit slowly, some more than others. At last, my superiors received my report. My orders were subsequently changed, I was then compelled to continue this line of, I must reluctantly admit, random and counter-productive methods of research until I discovered a point which even this group of primitives will no longer abide. This has taken many of what these creatures call "years". I have now progressed to the final stage of my meddling and will follow out my final orders but with one reservation. I will only introduce Web-TV. I will not promote it. I go now to end my existence. I am genuinely sorry. -- Bolton delenda est!