From: "D. Vacca" <firstname.lastname@example.org> Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: Sociological Roadtrip (Acts V & VI) Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 03:12:36 -0500 Organization: All USENET -- http://www.Supernews.com Lines: 139 Message-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.971202023754.24429Cemail@example.com> To: David Vacca <firstname.lastname@example.org> ACT V: In front of the Total Beverage Store. BRAD: Here, this looks like a place where we can get a drink. DAVE: Several, to judge from the size. (DAVE, BRAD, EVIL BRAD and KAM enter Total Beverage.) (KAM whistles.) DAVE: I have died... and gone to heaven. KAM: Until now, I had not realized the benefits of incarnating into a priviledged caste. EVIL BRAD: Lookitall the booze. BRAD: We have found the reason for the existence of Virginia! Kam, go right and check out the wine imports. Evil Brad, go left and check out domestic wines and comestibles. I'll go left, then cut right, and check out beer imports. Dave, go straight then left, then get us a status report on domestic microbrews! Prepare to SHOP! - - - - - - - - - - ACT VI: In the back of Total Beverage, between "Domestic Microbrews" and "Cheap Wines." (DAVE and GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE are looking at holiday packs of microbrews. YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA and OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA are looking at Gallo jug wines.) GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: Tupper's Hop Pocket? DAVE: A bit variable, but nice, if you like bitter ales. Hey, what do you know about Celis? GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: From Texas? Not so hot, except for the Weissbock, which is damn good. DAVE: I'm not one for Weisses. (GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE looks behind himself, sees YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA and OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA in "Cheap Wines" section.) GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: You don't want anything from that section, ladies. (GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE turns to DAVE and whispers "Looks like I've got a date for Saturday.") GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: Ladies, this sort of stuff is really here just for completeness. You can get much better wine for not much more from some of the smaller U.S. vintners. (Powerful gravity rays draw GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE toward YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA and OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA- or is it the other way around? Smiles appear. The temperature rises slightly.) GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: So, what kind of an event did you... oh, wow! ERAWAN NOW HAS A PORTER! (GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE runs away into "Domestic Microbrews.") YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: Awww. (DAVE studies the wine selection.) DAVE: Hey, he wasn't kidding. Franzia! Boone's! Champagne sixpacks! Wine-in-a-boxes, with straws. Canei! OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: Can you what? DAVE: Har. Seriously, he had a point. A lot of this stuff is foul. YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: No kidding. I'd never drink it. This is for us. (YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA holds up a bottle of Douro port.) But we're having a party, and we need something for the guests. DAVE: You're not particularly anxious to have this party, are you? YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: Actually, the party is going on right now. We're just here getting more wine. DAVE: So, you want the guests to go home? YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: Oh, no danger of that. (YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA and OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA break into appealingly wicked smiles.) OTHER YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: We took the precaution of tying them up before we left. DAVE: Oh, so you'll want something in a red, then. YOUNG WOMAN FROM VIRGINIA: Or at least a rose. (GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE returns.) GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: Sorry, I saw a beer I really liked. Has any progress been made in identifying your wine needs? DAVE: They need a wine that goes with being tied to the sofa. GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: A red, then. Or maybe a rose. (BRAD enters.) BRAD: Did you find anything here? DAVE: A little. A new beer brand that uses Ralph Steadman to do the labels. Ralph Steadman would never work for a beer brand he thought was crap, so all we need to discover is how good his taste in beer is. Some lambics for Kam, some barley wine in ceramic jugs. Oh, and it seems Erawan has a porter. BRAD: Pick 'em up and go. I fear we're in danger of overstaying our welcome in the hostile land of Virginia. DAVE: What happened? BRAD: Evil Brad is making redneck jokes to the janitorial staff. DAVE: Outtahere. GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE: So, what kind of gags are you using on your guests? (DAVE and BRAD exit. Curtain falls.) --- David Vacca, frightened of this thing that I've become.