From: anne@panix.com (Annie)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: 'toad talk 1 (repost)
Date: 1 Dec 1998 20:31:15 -0500
Organization: Creatures of Habit, Inc.
Lines: 68
Message-ID: <742593$k4d@panix2.panix.com>
Summary: H00ters
X-Newsposter: trn 4.0-test55 (26 Feb 97)


Annie:  Grendel, what is the *one* most oft-repeated *silly* word you
        see on t.b almost *every* day? Thirty seconds or forfeit.

        (tick...tick...tick)

Grendel:I am an intelligent statitician, and I have calculated--at a glance--
        that the word in question is stated over 295 times in only 20 postings.

        (tick...tick...tick)

        The word, my friend is...........HOOTERS!

A:      Ok, next question. Why? Why......"HOOTERS"? We are talking about those
        small, *silent* appendages--

G:      --"Small"??????

A:      Well,*some*. To return to my line of reasoning, breasts are, in
        fact silent--don't interrupt me!--under most normal circumstances.
        Quiz #3: What if they weren't? (Discuss.)

G:      OOOOOOOOOkkkkaaaaaay. Let us say breasts did in fact HOOT. I see
        several severe setbacks.

A:      (Crooning) "The hills are alive..."

G:      EXACTLY! No more silent women joggers. A marathon would sound like
        a flock of wild geese on the rage.

A:      Puberty woulda been hell. Ya know, you're just getting 'em, but you're
        too embarrassed to go buy a bra yet, but you're riding on the school
        bus with no shocks left and it goes over a bump...and you...*honk* and
        all the other girls giggle and point, and it's not even a full fledged
        deep HOOT, just one of those adolescent--

G:      --PEEPs? What a bitch. Even worse, think of the movie theatre. The
        once quiet, inexpensive gropings would now sound like the school
        marching band.

A:      Now there's a thought--musical HOOTERS. Imagine Brian Eno composing
        "HOOTERS, music for mammograms". Or a Philip Glass HOOTERS Ensemble.
        Or Beverly Sills and...herself.

G:      Or Laurie Anderson and her new album, "Strange HOOTERS". Or "Sharky's
        HOOTERS" and "HOOTERS of the Brave". Futhermore, would different
        sizes have different sounds? Are breast implants then woofers and
        tweeters?

A:      And would they need to be tuned?

(Voice in Grendel's head:  MERV GRIFFIN! MERV GRIFFIN! MERV GRIFFIN!)

G:      Check this out: breastfeeding would be a *cacophony* of sound. You'd
        *never* get the baby to bed...Fuuuuurtheeeermore...well, you know
        what's coming next.

A:      No more sex downstairs while the folks watch tv in the den. Damn. This
        is becoming a posting for "Annoyance".

G:      So, in short, what we're trying to say here is, What The Fuck Is The
        Malfunction? Why HOOTERS? They do not HOOT. They do not fucking HOOT.
        They never have and they never will.

A:      HOOT. (Had ya going for a minute, didn't I?)


Annie